How to set boundaries: overcome the fear of saying no

Boundaries are what protect us. Use it as a tool for comfort, not manipulation.

In today’s society, it is common to talk about how certain things make you feel. But do we actually take the time to examine ourselves, notice how we feel and react, reflect and then set a fence- so-called boundary- around it for protection?

In order to have a healthy relationship, you’ll have to set a healthy boundary. Doesn’t matter if it’s your parents, friends, coworkers, siblings, partner or neighbour.

No matter how much you think they know you, sometimes the limits can be overstepped. That’s why our inner peace needs protection: boundaries.

A fence surrounding peace

First, we’ll break down what it is. A boundary is like a limit or a line we draw to protect us from the things that make us uncomfortable. Sometimes, we crash out in anger and don’t realise why. Next time when someone or something makes you mad, disappointed or scared, take a step back and think if they overstepped a barrier that you set or if you failed to communicate about it in the first place.

Again, to satisfy your boundaries, emotional intelligence is a tool to use. I mean, you could read my other blog called “ Is EQ really that important in personal life?”, I’m just saying… Just now, I realised that EQ is crucial for boundaries.

Don’t worry, I’ll quickly summarise what it is and why it is important.

A quick hello to an old friend

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to understand and manage your emotions and be aware of others' feelings.

The four main points are : (1) self-awareness - you are able to recognise your emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behaviour, (2) self-regulation - the ability to control your emotions, (3)social awareness - understanding other people’s emotions, wants and needs, picking up on emotional cues, (4)empathy - being aware of other’s emotions.

How boundaries are set? Understanding how you feel about a certain situation, how it affects you ( 1: self-awareness) and others( 3: social awareness) (and also 4: empathy). Taking into account how others feel, though, is not always the case in setting barriers. Sometimes, it is supposed to be consistent and unmovable.

Emotional intelligence is almost all about getting to understand and get to know yourself. That is the foundation of our topic- boundaries.

Hope that cleared the air.

Differences

So, back to fences. They have different types. Today, I’ll break down the five main ones:

1. Physical boundaries - For example, you don’t feel comfortable enough to hug your colleague and offer a handshake instead. Kind of like personal space. Maybe an exercise is a bit too much for you- tell your trainer to switch it to something different but similar. Or maybe tell your roommate that not sharing chores is where you feel the most comfortable, everybody cleans up after themselves.

2. Sexual boundaries - asking for consent before being physically intimate, checking in how you both feel during sex. Frequency, places, times, protection, poses, you name it. Everything should be communicated.

3. Emotional boundaries - this is where how others feel is suppressed**.** For example, turning down an offer for physical intimacy. Acknowledging that you’re not responsible for how others feel and react to your set boundaries. This is where you are the most important.

4. Material/financial boundaries - this applies to your belongings. Money, clothes, books, electronics, anything. This boundary, in my opinion, is the most breakable. Often, friends or especially siblings borrow something and either don’t return it on time or leave it elsewhere. It is important to set a boundary like “ Yes, I’ll borrow you my book, but please return it by Monday” or “Okay, you can borrow my jacket, but put it back where it was after you’re done wearing it.

5. Time boundaries - focusing on your priorities, not relying on other people’s needs and wants. For example, your classmate asked you to help them with homework after school. You put a time limit, like 1 hour, for giving help to your classmate. Or maybe turning down an invite to a club and giving yourself a “reset weekend”. Prioritising self-care.

Violation

What to do when your boundaries aren’t respected? :

• Remain calm - peaceful communication is important. Express your concerns or how you feel “ I don’t like how you are pushing me to talk right now”

• Communicate your boundary again - “ After a heated argument, I would like some time to myself to think things over. I don’t want to say things that I don’t mean”

• Set a consequence - “ If you keep pushing me, I’ll shut down”. If they still do what you asked them not to, apply said consequence. Just do it with caution, don’t give them the silent treatment. That’s emotional abuse.

• Don’t feel bad about putting yourself first. You keep thinking about how they’ll feel if you do this or that, but did they think even once about how you’ll feel when they do something you clearly said will hurt you? Yeah…

Balancing your self-worth and treating people with kindness is a long journey. Lots of failures, stand-ups and restarts, but eventually you’ll get there.

Setting boundaries is a way of overcoming burnout. If you let people walk all over you for a long time, sooner or later, a volcano will erupt.

Do it before it’s too late.

Final thoughts

That should give you room to think about how actually important it is. Boundaries are where you get to explore yourself. Learn to understand and validate your feelings. Some “fences” should be flexible like a rope- easy to overcome, others unable to move like a brick wall. Things you feel are valid, even though sometimes irrational.

Learn how to protect yourself. No one will do it better than you.

Practising barriers is hard but possible.

Improve. Do your research, apply it into your everyday life. Practise emotional intelligence, set boundaries, follow them, doesn’t matter if it’s yours or those around you. Everyone is valuable.

Healthy boundaries will help you grow healthy relationships, because otherwise, as they say, “hurt people, hurt people”.

The word “no” opens up thousands of new paths, you just have to learn how, where and when to use it. The five main ones will guide you throughout your boundary journey. Don’t be a people pleaser, the only person you should please is, again, you.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behaviour or a choice.” – Brené Brown