Revealing why most relationships don’t last
Relationships are built, not found. Put your big boy pants on and start working.
The harsh reality of relationships: about 70% of new couples break up in the first year. After building a strong bond, about 20% split in the next 5 years. And nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce.
Is someone else responsible for your relationship or is it you and your partner that should take the blame? Don’t look for someone else to blame. It is your responsibility.
For me, it is so depressing, that relationships are measured in things like “the 3 month rule” and “the 6 month rule”. I mean, “the honeymoon phase” does exist. But saying “Yeah we didn’t work out because we hit the 3-month rule” or “ Our zodiac signs were incompatible that’s why we broke up, we just weren’t meant for each other”… What the actual fuck?
So in this so-called “advanced generation” we are blaming a group of burning gas balls in the sky for our relationship’s failure? Ok, got it.
What the…
Don’t get me wrong, those stages may be real, but not for everyone, though. But that doesn’t make it rational for you to wait for them and blame them for your failures. Let’s take a quick run through those stages.
The 3-month rule
The first quarter of the year feels like a dream. You’re getting to know each other, learning their hobbies, favourite things, past experiences, etc. Go on a lot of dates, have fun and act almost childlike. They seem perfect, with no imperfections or anything. Basically, you “test out” the relationship.
The 6-month rule
The next three months are when disagreements start. Intimacy starts to deepen. You meet each other’s parents, plan your future and discuss your long-term goals.
The 9-month rule
Finally, this is where you should sum everything up and decide if it’s worth dedicating your future to them.
In my opinion, this is complete bullshit. How can you make a mould/stencil of such a complex thing and try to judge your relationship based on said mould?
Time will tell if they’re the one for you, not some dumb “rule”.
Don’t even get me started on zodiac signs. If you believe them- a-okay - it is your beliefs, and I have nothing against it.
The reality
No, but seriously, we should grow up. And by “we” I mean you people. Leave my relationship out of this. Never have I blamed a shiny thing above my head for misunderstanding my man. Neither should you.
Maybe, and just hear me out on this, the reason behind most of the break-ups is an avalanche of small -easy to fix- mistakes? Things like lack of communication, stonewalling, the silent treatment? They are the actual reason behind a bad relationship.
Well, ok, I lied stonewalling is not an easy fix, because, unlike the others, it could be a trauma response. But still, you can work through it.
Breakdown
Here’s a breakdown of some common mistakes made in relationships.
Lack of communication - often humans tend to suppress their feelings. Let’s say you feel uncomfortable doing the deed, but you don’t say anything to your partner. Later on in a fight, you bring it up as an argument of how he/she didn’t notice your unwillingness. Funny thing is, they can’t read your mind. Speak. Communicating with them will strengthen your bond. If you did express your feelings and yet they still try to persuade you into doing it, then that is an actually alarming action.
Together try finding out the reason behind why you’re feeling a certain way. This can be a bonding experience. Getting to know each other.
Stonewalling - is a way of either intentionally or unintentionally withdrawing from an argument. Closing down, acting busy or simply answering with one or two words. The reason behind it is not knowing how to express your feelings or being scared to do so. As I said, trauma from childhood.
"You can’t say anything wrong when you say nothing, but the impact of the silent treatment and stonewalling is emotionally harmful and frustrating to your partner.” - a quote from an article ( https://www.brides.com/stonewalling-in-relationships-5268220)
Reading it will expand your knowledge of stonewalling if it’s something you’re interested in.
Silent treatment - this one’s definitely intentional. You simply refuse to speak to your other half. Fun fact, silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Think about it the next time you plan to use it because I don’t think stars are the reason behind it.
How to build it
After a long moral, here’s an actual “how-to”.
You need to know yourself. How you feel in certain situations, what is your love language, and what you want out of the relationship.
When you settle those things, set boundaries. Both of you. Neither should feel trapped in a cage. It should be a mutual discussion and agreement.
When the other is speaking, listen. Try to look at things from their point of view. Have empathy. You’ll make mistakes, and that’s okay. Remember to discuss and learn from them.
Always, and I mean always, settle disagreements, arguments and fights. Never leave it unsettled.
Communication is the most important out of all of them. It gives you everything: information about your partner, how they feel, what they want, what they like and what they don’t. It also gives you a way of expressing yourself, helping your other half to understand you better.
Step by step
Let’s say that your love language is physical touch.
But you don’t like being touched in a certain area, or you don’t want them to touch other women/men in that specific area. Set that boundary. Let your partner do the same- set a boundary where they feel uncomfortable. Speak!
Even if you think that their set boundary is irrational, try to see where they are coming from. Maybe they got cheated on and are just scared. Emphasise with them.
A cute idea is “never go to sleep angry”. Sort everything out that same day.
Sometimes, expressing yourself can and will be hard. But in order to have a blooming relationship, you’ll have to overcome those fears.
In the end
Nothing is in charge of you and your partner. Only you two. Don’t blame the rules, stars or phases. Take responsibility. Life will be so much better.
Firstly, learn to love yourself, otherwise, how will you love anybody else? A relationship won’t make you happy if you’re not happy alone.
Then, do not forget to express and speak! Communication is key, as they say.
I hope my remarks will help you build a relationship you have always dreamt of.
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller
